Falling In Love Again

There's an old Joni Mitchell song called Help Me I Think I'm Falling In Love With You.  A love song, Joni sings about falling in love with a new love and the inevitable hurt and pain that will accompany that for her. I'd like to change the title to reflect what I've experienced the past couple of weeks: Help Me I Think I'm Falling In Love With Me Again.
36 days ago, I began a 108 day journey of reading, meditating, writing a daily intention and journal entry.  The readings have followed a path of introspection, delving into the patterns and ways of being that keep me from reaching my highest potential.
Part of my journey has been working through forgiveness.  It is so easy for me to forgive others.  I've learned that there are those things that we take on about ourselves that create patterns of thought and behavior.  That knowledge has released compassion and sympathy for others.  It's when I turn to apply that same compassion and sympathy for myself, that's where it gets sticky.
One of my children has removed herself from our family.  I have not seen or talked to her in 5 years.  She is married and has 2 children, my grandchildren.  I don't even know them, nor do they even know we are alive.  It has been a source of immense pain and hurt for me.  As part of this 108 day journey, I have acknowledged that, been good with forgiveness for her.  It's when I had to accept my role in our estrangement, and forgive myself, that's where things got difficult for me.  Admitting to myself that I was a crappy parent at times, that my actions were less than perfect, that I have let her down was the beginning.  Looking at those horrible things, those dark times and actions, that was something I wanted to avoid.  Bringing to light the times I wasn't a good parent, when I was selfish, man, that was really really hard.   Then forgiving myself was the next step.  How could I do that?  How could I admit that I was deserving of the same compassion I was willing to extend to others?  It was hard to look at myself in that light.  It was so much easier to carry around the weight of all the things I did that had been pushed to the recesses of my consciousness.  Forgiving myself meant I had to look at and name every action,  every time I was selfish, every time I didn't measure up.  It meant admitting there was that darkness in me.  And then speaking forgiveness to myself, over and over again.
I got there.  This time.  I'm sure there's more I just haven't brought forth.
And here's the really cool part, I found I not only like myself, I fell in love with myself again. Like that 2 year old self who doesn't know any better than to just love themself.  That pure, untainted, joy-filled self love.  It's wonderful.  It's so nice to not walk around with the weight pulling me down every day.  It's a different kind of self care.
If you haven't taken the time to forgive yourself, I highly recommend it.  It will literally change your life.