It's been 21 years to the day that my first husband called me on the phone and delivered the following: "I don't love you anymore, I don't want to be married. I want a divorce." In an instant my whole world shattered.
It was really interesting today when I realized the date and the significance of February 22. There was absolutely no emotional charge around it today. 21 years ago my husband told me that he didn't want to be married (to me, at least) any more.
I was raised in a family that didn't really "do" divorce. Almost everyone I knew growing up was married--never divorced. We just didn't have a culture of divorce. So the thought of going through a divorce, being divorced, just mortified me. I thought I would be cast out of my family, and from society for that matter. I felt like I walked around with a scarlet D on my chest.
The bottom fell out of my life 21 years ago. I was devastated. My heart literally broke. I didn't know what to do, or how to manage. I was completely lost.
I made SO many mistakes during that time. I was so naive. I didn't have a clue about so many things. I know I let my children down, many times. Didn't make good decisions. Didn't know how to reach out and get help. I just did the best I could and kept going.
Today, I look at my life and I am filled with gratitude and aware of the many blessings I have. I can even tell you with all honesty that I have forgiven--myself for all the mistakes I made, my ex-husband, his mistress, and the list goes on and on. It took me a LONG time to get to that forgiveness. For many years I was filled with regret, grief, bitterness, anger, hurt and pain. Now, those emotions around my divorce just simply don't exist anymore.
How did I get here? To a place of peace and gratitude? I learned that we all carry ugly, nasty, awful stuff around with us that molds and shapes the way we think-about ourselves and others. It shapes the way we interact and how we receive. It affects our thoughts and our behaviors. When I realized my situation was a result of two people who were carrying around that nastiness without any healing, I was able to be in a place of forgiveness.
The cool thing is, I don't live with all that yuck anymore, and no one else has to either. It is possible to shed it, be rid of it, recognize it and release it and live in a completely different way of being.
I've now dedicated my life to helping people release and live a life that is filled with love, joy, peace, balance, and gratitude.
I look at this day, from 21 years ago and view it from a perspective of "Wow, if that hadn't happened, I wouldn't be where I am today."
Today is February 22. It's a good day.
